This journey I've embarked upon has been full of emotions. Emotional Rollercoaster anyone? I've had really high peaks (more than I can imagine) but in the same breath I've also found myself falling into a pit. The pit made me anxious. I somehow always managed to pull myself out of the pit before falling all the way in though. Let's explore:
This year, I've equated 99 percent of my stress to wedding planning. There's always something to do, something to buy, something to think of and people to take care of. It quickly becomes about everyone else and not about you at all. I'm especially mad because I've read about this time and time again and yet I still was overtaken by it all. Taking care of people becomes stressful even if its not physical. There is simply a constant play by play occurring in your brain of how well you want others to feel. When in actuality you can't please anyone but yourself.
So imagine me thinking that my wedding stress is causing this pit to come along and causing me to slip. Negative! It's actually not the wedding at all (that's just stress around planning). It's this condition I have called anxietal (I made that up) grief. This is where the majority of my thoughts live as I prepare for life transitions.
When I was regularly taking care of myself and attending Grief Group to work through the loss of my Dad, the counselor there pointed out that I was grieving things in my future.
Yeah I know you're like, wait, what!!! Why are you grieving things that haven't occurred? Great question!
I have stressed and worried and become sad over things that I know I can't control. Whew Chile! I do a lot of who in the hell is gonna give me away at this wedding and then I get sad and cry. I wish it was my Dad but it's not going to be sadness erupts. I also find myself thinking of future life events when I welcome a child into our lives. Who's gonna be the kids' grandparents?, they won't have grandparents! How can you grow up without grands? Will my kid be an only child? Only children are lonely! Can I just have back to backs? How, why, when?...blah, blah, blah...
Trust me, I know I be tripping but I'm just being honest and transparent.
My only explanation for the slip is not fully trusting God's promises. Not whole-heartedly believing that HE will provide any and everything I need like He already has. I just need to open my heart to that. That's why I kept slipping. It wasn't that I didn't believe it (which is why I didn't fall), I just allowed my thoughts to overtake my emotions.
To get out of the half pit I was falling into, I've simply revisited my attitude of gratitude. Anytime that anxietal grief comes up, I counter those thoughts with a concrete plan. I write those things down and put my mind at ease. Who will walk me down the aisle....well first things first 35 other people will be there.....who will be my kids grands...well hold on a second, your family is who you make your family....I just go on and on, countering those thoughts. Things are going to be fine and work out. God already said so.
Until next time,
Peace & Sweet Dreaming,
Kiylise Crutchfield, Chief Dream Engineer